


The Destroyer

by BaeLanna



Series: Killer Me [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: A fateful decision, Conscience, Dancing on your grave, Epitaph, F/F, Masturbation, To Boldly Go, Wisdom, self-indulgence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-17 09:07:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20618498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BaeLanna/pseuds/BaeLanna
Summary: Janeway's crisis of conscience has literary consequences, and life aboard Voyager begins to change…





	1. The End

As I walk the debris'd street of long-departed leaders, and the victims of their long-forgotten decisions

I am encouraged to follow in their footsteps, and to learn the lesson of "necessity"

I do not witness despair, but triumph, achievement

Unrelenting valour, and over-spent power

There are no deaths, there are only gifts. Gifts of life, gifts of the lives of others

It is always an honour to cast your final breath upon your completed, or uncompleted task

We are, after all, but lone atoms in a universe of assignments, of missions

But as one foot goes forwards, and the dust of the long-gone dead, or dismissed from service, reaches my prickling nose

I have to ask, how many more lives must we extinguish before our goal is realised?

And will it be my life next which will add to the ashes coating this endless road

I know it should be my life

Or perhaps I am already dead, and I have been so distracted that I have not noticed…

Yes, I am sure the victims of my direct orders would be very pleased with such a joke

No, I am not dead

I am on a road

A filthy road. A road to… Where? Home?

Peace?

History?

My monument shall read, "Here lies Kathryn

Captain and Human

Doomed to die as she lived -

Fighting for tomorrow,

Killing today"

My father would be proud

And I would be neutralised.


	2. The Woman

She is right of course

Guilt is indeed an ineffective instrument with which to command

I reply that it is anger and self-loathing which enable me to function at least satisfactorily

She repeats what I have just inadvertently acknowledged,

Guilt does not fuel efficiency.

It is not guilt which enables her to complete simultaneous, challenging tasks

She is part machine; she has been granted the gift of extreme competence.

At the simple cost of her own juvenile assimilation.

She explains that when visited by the roaring beast of guilt

She, of course, does not use these words, she is not yet so emphatic

She acknowledges it

Accompanies it to its inevitable pedestal in the centre of her vision,

And with her waking eyes, she identifies it as a shadow

As immaterial as every other woeful human emotion

And as such it is of no use to her

And unworthy of assimilation.

I ask her what emotion she feels for me, if all human emotions are woeful…

Considering, she says,

"You are my muse.

Inspiration is the other side of guilt

And you inspire me to continue"

I remain silent,

I had not known that she had considered, not continuing

She speaks again, and her words give me new life

"You are a Voyager. And as such, you face a journey

And all journeys are challenges

And all challenges require sacrifice

And you have sacrificed your life, a thousand times

And a thousand times the universe has returned your sacrifice.

It has not returned the lives of your lost crewmen

But it has entrusted to you the responsibility

To continue your journey home.

And I

I am here because you took a chance,

You sentenced me to life upon your ship, and in doing so

Every life I have saved, and every life I maintain in my duties

Is a life saved or maintained you.

I learnt about guilt when you taught me about life

And you gave me channels to assuage my guilt 

As you gave me duties to preserve other's life.

I cannot afford to be guilty

It would interfere with my life-preserving duties

And if I cannot afford to be guilty

Then how can you?"

…

I don't know

Perhaps guilt is indeed 

A self-indulgence.


	3. The Decision

A child cries in the arms of a woman who is not her mother

Wounded and dying lie head to toe on the floor of the Mess Hall

The harried Doctor announces instruction and delegates duties to Paris, and a small team of crewmen

The rest of the crew are busy with repairs.

"You're a fool and a coward

You could have saved more but you chose to run

Our families, our civilisation, is destroyed

And you are culpable!"

"Calm yourself, General"

Seven appears out of the chaos at my side

"Be silent, you filth"

And before I can stop him, he spits in my sweetheart's face.

She says nothing, but wipes her cheek with her sleeve…

"Kim, Carey, Neelix

Escort this man to the brig."

"You consort with Borg whores

You are truly despicable!"

"And you have just sacrificed your only chance for reprieve.

Voyager will deliver you, General,

To the hands of your enemies herself"

For the first time, he cannot find words

My security team are similarly quiet

"Take him away!"

"Captain, what is your plan?" Seven asks, the General before us now shrieking in terrified protest

I turn to her 

I am repulsed that her beautiful skin could be so defiled. 

"I am sorry, Seven. Please return to your post"

"Your plan, Captain?"

"We will take the survivors.

But I am leaving the General behind"


	4. Killer Me

Her hips push outwards and I push inwards

Whatever misgivings she has, I am glad she has forgotten them for these precious moments.

She is warm and so smooth

Her naked thigh between my own is like lightning as I rub against it

The cold sweat on my back is broken as her fingertips sink downwards into my flesh

I must curve my back inwards and groan into her touch

Truly, there is no pleasure greater than this.

…

We breathe…

I lie against her chest

Her silkiness and breasts caress my skin and I heave…

Her long arms wrap around my back and hold me close, connected

My hands hold her face and we kiss

And kiss

Knowing that soon it will be morning

And I will be Captain again.

…

"My love?"

"…Mmm?"

I feel her lips move over my chin and onto my neck

I see stars above me

I release more fluid, I cannot help it

This young woman unwinds me

She disturbs every sense, every nerve

My body is changed when it is against hers

And when she has finished loving me, I am brand-new

"Seven?"

Her lips pull away from my neck, and I am able to look down into her starlit eyes

She speaks in a near whisper

"… Do you wish to sleep?"

"… Not really…"

Her hands lightly caress my back, she feels downwards to grasp the blanket which covers our legs

She pulls it back up and over my naked behind

"… Do you wish to discuss your decision?"

"No."

"You are guilty?"

"… Not this time."

"You are despairing."

"I am not."

"You should be."

Her eyebrows still raised, she regards me with what I know to be semi-humour

And I don't care.

I climb off her and locate a pillow

I lie on my back, and beneath the cover, I smooth the skin of my stomach

I take my breasts, one in each hand, and I squeeze them

I feel alive, and satisfied

She turns towards me and lies in the darkness staring at me

After many minutes in silence, I hear a soft, "Voyager performed admirably yesterday…"

After more silence, she falls asleep.

'Yes, this crew did perform admirably…'

My right hand reaches for her skin before sliding downwards and onto my crotch

My middle finger enters my labia and I begin to slide my fingers keenly across the various contours of my wet sex.

I feel a fire within me and I find my clit

I rub myself, and I smile cruelly

That man is dead, and I am here

I grin

I slide two fingers downwards and press them into my hole

I moan, I must not wake Seven, she has only recently learned how to sleep

I fuck myself slowly

My free hand pinches sharply into my nipple and I fuck myself more deeply

I whimper, I whimper more, I want to scream

I pump my fingers more rapidly

'I killed a man today…'

"Ahhhh…"

My pussy begins to burn

My nerves constrain, crawling inside of me, and then they burst.

My fingers vibrate aggressively over my beating clit and I whine…

My climax is full, and delicious

My fingers slide once more inside my ravenous channel and I bleed to desire

…

I am a murderess

For once, on purpose

And I love it.

**Author's Note:**

> Just exploring/playing with some ideas, thanks for reading :-)


End file.
